Scanxiety's in the Hizzouse!!

Uhhh...so it's been nearly 2 months since I last put random musings to...paper...?

Oh, hey, the cheeto freak is getting evicted from the White House in <6 weeks (and I was glued to MSNBC for the better part of a week as the mail-in ballots gradually were counted and it became increasingly clear that there's a legit at the end of our nation's tunnel). Though he's still fundraising, because he owes many millions of dollars to unknown debtors. And, also, he's going to have a shit-ton of legal expenses dogging him from the moment he's out of our house.

Tomorrow starts 11 days of gnawing my nails. Not the 12 days of Christmas, but the 11 days of having to remind myself to stop holding my breath (except when someone in my vicinity coughs or sneezes or simply looks at me wrong).

Tomorrow I go in for a routine infusion port flush and blood work, then I'll run to the pharmacy at the medical building where I will have my CT scan later on the week to pick up 2 bottles of Readi-Cat "smoothie" contrast drink. It only resembles a smoothie in appearance. That's pretty much where the similarities end. Pro-tip: I add a squirt or two of sugar-free water-flavoring concentrate because this shit does NOT taste like citrus or berries or any other claimed flavor. It tastes like chalk mixed with white finger paints.

At some point in the week I will also pick up an allergy cocktail from my regular pharamacy that I have to take starting 13 hours before my CT scan. Because iodine and I apparently are incompatible. Though I have not found that this prednisone/benadryl recipe does much. I still get the exact same 2 predictable hives on my forehead...EVERY time.

On Thurs. I will see my colorectal surgeon for a yearly follow-up. I hope we just chat. I'm even fine with a lecture about my noticeable weight gain (in the neighborhood of 30# since he last saw me). I just don't want a digital exam. But I'm sure that will happen, because he's a colorectal surgeon and I had a tumor in my ass...so....

Friday, CT scan. Aside from drinking sludge, that's not a horrible procedure. It's mostly the constipation that invariably follows that really sucks. Some people get diarrhea. I think I'd almost rather have that issue. I need to be better about chugging a lot of liquid to move things through, faster. Nasty stuff to have lingering in my guts for longer than necessary.

And...then a 6 day wait for those results. Fuckery.

Covid is really bad, here. Hospitals within about 2 hours are all at capacity. We're still unscathed. For now. I get some serious anxiety about my essential worker kid working in the thick of risk during the holiday shopping season. 

Nest Bedding Hybrid Latex

On the bright side, we got a new bed and I am sleeping better than I have in years. Maybe in my entire life. It's a Nest Hybrid Latex bed. My brother's SIL recommended it. Theirs is all firm. Ours is half firm, half med. It's kinda nifty. The top zips off to reveal 2 3" thick slabs of natural latex (the yellow layer, at right). Below that are traditional pocketed coils. It's a king sized bed for about half what we paid for our ridiculous 18" deep queen mattress that didn't really last us more than probably 6 years (at most) before I started having neck and shoulder issues. And now we won't be limited by only extra deep pocket bedding. AND I no longer need a step to get in an out of the bed. I'd taken to using an old aerobic step for the purpose. It was especially miserable after cancer-related surgeries and on mornings when I will wake with vertigo (thanks, chronic allergies!).

And DH finally admits that we should have had a king sized bed, all along. Part of my sleeping so much better is that I don't feel crowded. He's broad-shouldered and barrel-chested + we have a 18-20# cat that likes to sleep with us. Now there is room for him to sleep between us without nearly pushing me out of the bed. Happy wife, happy life!

Bonus: when the latex layers wear out, we can simply buy new layers. The layers that get tossed are completely biodegradeable. Less to land in a landfill. And I'm emotionally handling all the scary shit in the world and recovering better from my workouts. My runs are still sad and include walk breaks, but that's mostly because I'm pretty much the fattest I've ever been as a runner AND I'm down at least 20% in my lung capacity (thanks, Cancer!).

On a related note -- 2 potential Covid vaccines are on the way! It may be another month or two before I might have a shot at one. Now we just have to get through the holidays with people making really terrible, selfish, willfully ignorant choices that lead to harming others....

Fxck Cancer!

16 more days.

Democracy!

Earlier this week my 19 year old son and I voted absentee for the first time ever in a major election (we voted absentee in our primary, but that didn't feel nearly as crucial as these ballots cast. We didn't even physically drop off our ballots for the primary. The hubby dropped them off while paying a utility bill. DH is still sitting on his ballot). This was my son's first presidential election. I believe he is well aware of how exceptionally critical his vote is. I was also 19 when I voted for the first time for Bill Clinton. I don't recall feeling any sort of anxiety. I simply voted for the candidate whose platform most closely matched my interests.

But this...this is so vastly different. This is literally life-or-death. Trump has enabled the spread of deadly pandemic and has 0 plans to protect US citizens. He has nominated a woman for SCOTUS who would rob women of reproductive health care, in addition to undoing the Affordable Care Act. With her addition to the SCOTUS, same sex marriage will likely be defeated and protections for LGBTQ individuals would also be struck-down.

Yesterday there was a Trump rally 20 minutes from our front door. Photos and video of the crowds and hearing Trump again encourage the audience to "lock her up" towards our governor...gave me incredible anxiety. It's only been about a week before it was made public that the FBI had infiltrated a homegrown terrorist cell (aka "militia") with plans to kidnap, rape, and murder her.

Fxck Cancer!

22 more days... *twitch*

We have our absentee ballots, but still need to fill them out and drop them off at our voting precinct. I'm sort of paranoid.

The past few weeks have been beyond surreal. The most unreal fiction would read more believably than this. Tomorrow will mark 3 weeks since the first (and apparently only, which is a saga of its own) presidential debate. I think it was 2 days later that Trump tested positive for Covid. What followed was...I still can't process it fully.

He was flown to Walter Reed on Friday, IIRC (my brain is already numbing itself from the recent reality of this nightmare administration). He remained there 3 nights. After 2 nights he insisted that he needed to go out for a motorcade parade around the block. Then after one more night he was discharged back to the White House.

Now he's claiming that he's made a miraculous recovery. Meanwhile a whole lotta high-ranking cabinet members and other GOP attendees of the prospective new SCOTUS nominee's crowded indoor/outdoor/maskless "superspreader" nomination ceremony who were diagnosed with Covid have seemingly disappeared.

From the outset I was not convinced that Trump was legitimately ill with Covid. I'm still not convinced. The whole thing is just...off. And the past 4 years have been nothing but a steady stream of lies and the entire Republican party covering for Trump, so I am skeptical of any "facts" coming out of this series of events.

Biden is currently trouncing Trump in the polls, but so was Hillary, 4 years ago. I'm really anxious about how absentee ballots will be handled. Some states are only allowing 24 hours to count them. The Trump-installed head of our USPS had employees destroying mail sorting machines and delaying mail delivery (we had months where we received nearly no mail, most days). Trump supporters have already been caught erecting fake ballot boxes in CA. In TX the governor is only allowing 1 drop-box/county...including in counties with millions of residents. Absentee voters are overwhelming democrats. I fear that if Trump is leading at midnight that he will assume a win, even though it will likely be days before all ballots are counted. His "militia" supporters are already claiming that they will start civil war if he loses.

Which brings me to the recent drama in my state. Some MI militia (domestic terrorists) members were caught hatching a plot to kidnap and kill my governor, as well as blow up a bridge, kill some cops...just generally horrific actions.

Covid numbers are again on the rise and there's suggestion that this is the start of our 2nd wave. Winter is going to be rough. I'm increasingly anxious about my son working in an "essential" retail environment over the busy holiday season.

At least putting the election behind us will remove a massive source of my anxiety -- unless Trump "wins." I really can't allow myself to contemplate that outcome, at all. The past 4 years have been even more horrific than I'd imagined.

Fxck Cancer!

Continued Downward Spiral

In the past few weeks we've lost 2 notable souls to cancer. Both with history of colorectal cancer, in particular. Rest In Power, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Chadwick Boseman.

Chadwick's passing came as a complete shock to everyone. While he had been mocked in recent photos where he appeared emaciated, most of us believed he was preparing for a role. The reality was so tragic, yet has been a wakeup call for so many who have not directly or indirectly experienced colorectal cancer in a young, otherwise healthy and fit individual. Chadwick was already ill when he filmed The Black Panther. While this was startling to most, I recall my own symptoms emerging during the same year that I set numerous PRs and found myself on the podium of EVERY race in which I participated.

If any good might come from his demise, it would be increased awareness of young-onset colorectal cancer. We don't get nearly the attention or understanding that other forms of cancer experience. He passed-away at 43. I believe he was 39 at his stage III diagnosis. The "new" standard starting age for colonoscopies is not until 45 (it was 50 when I was diagnosed). He filmed 7 movies while ill.

"Notorious RBG"'s passing came as no surprise, as she has been repeatedly ill with numerous cancer recurrences in recent years, but the timing is terrifying and heartbreaking. The GOP is already working to ram through her replacement ASAP. There is so much I could say about that. 

Primarily it breaks my heart that she had to work through her death in an effort to save women's rights and the ACA. She spent her entire career working to make lives better for others. But if Trump, McConnell, et al. have their way, her sacrifices will have been for nothing. These awful, old white men deserve brutal Karmic justice. Trump has threatened an executive order to prevent Biden from running for POTUS -- seriously, WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?!!

Days continue to drag. A widespread Covid-19 vaccine is still likely 6-9 months out...if not a year. The likelihood of a 2021 race season is iffy. I'd probably be drinking nightly, were it not the fact that even a couple of drinks gives me a crap night's sleep and a terrible hangover, now. I wish I liked pot.

Fxck Cancer!

Froggos, etc.

Yeah, dart frogs are pretty nifty! I've had my 3 for nearly 3 weeks. They're more skittish than I'd anticipated, particularly compared to how they were during the 3 day quarantine (mostly to confirm that they were healthy and eating well) in my little 5g temporary terrarium. Well, sort of. One ("Spot") was crazy bold in there, but has been especially shy in the 29g permanent home, surprisingly. And the one that was the twitchiest ("Avocado") in quarantine has been the most outgoing in the big tank. They certainly have individual personalities.

Spot in quarantine:

Spot's typical favorite hiding place in the permanent terrarium:

That's pretty much the most I've seen of the goofy guy/gal. Spot is the largest of the 3. I assume Spot is a bit older than the other 2. I believe all 3 are from different lineage, as Josh's Frogs discourages "line breeding."

Avocado, aka "Avo" (due to the avocado-shaped marking on his/her back) is currently the most outgoing.

Bianchi -- named after the shade of "celeste" green made famous by the bike-maker -- is the smallest and hasn't changed a bit in personality from one tank to the other.

I made the mistake of not dumping all 3 frogs into the same area of the tank and they've all pretty much kept to the same general region since moved into their permanent home. As a result the 2 bluer frogs have stuck together and poor Bianchi is all alone on the other side of the tank. I hope as they all become more bold that they reunite. They're social little critters and I assumed that they'd immediately group back up.

This AM I had lab work to try and get to the bottom of what's going on with my red cells. I have mild megaloblastic anemia. Most likely due to insufficient B-12 and/or folate, but it could be the result of hypothyroidism. So I had bloodwork to screen for both. The vitamin/mineral thing would make sense, as I likely don't absorb nutrients well, seeing as how I'm missing a good chunk of my colon (thanks, Cancer!).

This anemia would explain why my workouts have become increasingly difficult and for every 2 workouts I feel like I need a rest day. 6 months ago I was SO much stronger. This has snuck up on me. For months I thought it was simply Covid-related anxiety, since so many people have described debilitating exhaustion, brain fog, and sleep struggles. But that wouldn't explain my oversized and fewer-than-normal red blood cells/volume. And in the past week I'm starting to deal with neuropathy in my hands and feet. In a lot of ways this feels SO disturbingly similar to chemo's effects -- which is very unnerving.

So, if it's simply a matter of low B-12, I'll likely have to do injections for a while...or probably permanently, since it's not like I'm going to regrow my sigmoid colon and rectum. There's apparently a prescription B-12 nasal spray that I might look into, too, since my PCP is an hour away. That drive wouldn't be a big deal, aside from Winter. Or maybe it's an injection I could administer to myself.

Fxck Cancer!

Insomnia, FTW!

I was going to get 3 froggos from a guy on FB (a fellow Cheesehead who is attending dentistry school at University of Michigan and was going to meet me down in Kzoo with baby frogs), but finally Josh's Frogs had a listing for 3 Highland Bronze Auratus dendrobates after many many months of being wait-listed. So...I grabbed them. I knew they were going to list them, since their site showed 3 available, but they couldn't initially be added to the cart. They're a super high-demand color-morph, so I didn't figure I'd snag them (though a CS rep said they had about 10 that they'd be gradually listing over the next few weeks). 

Sat. AM I woke up to pee at 5AM and they were there AND there was an "add to cart" button, so I did...and they'll be arriving in about 36 hours, give or take. They're making a short overnight FedEx trip from the other side of the state.

They'll look something like these guys above (these might even be my 3, since I think they have added new photos to their site in the past week).

But at full maturity the black areas soften into a beautiful metallic grey/bronze. This could be one of the parent frogs to my froglets:

Enlarged for detail -- adult frogs are only 1.5"

I'm pretty excited. I converted an old 5g aquarium to a temporary quarantine tank, to make sure the froglets are eating OK and healthy before I let them loose in the very jungle-like 29 gallon home that they will occupy for the rest of their lives, which could be a decade or more.

Today I took care of 2 medical scans -- I had my annual mammogram and my first bone density scan. I'm really interested to see what state my hips and pelvis are in after radiation to that area (and 3+ years of menopause). In the age of Covid I was the only patient in the entire place, as far as I could tell.

Hopefully my years of high impact running will have benefitted my bones, in spite of premature menopause and radiation therapy.

Fxck Cancer!

Another One Bites The Dust!

One more miserable month of 2020 is nigh behind us, which means we're that much closer to a potential vaccine and/or Covid-19 treatments. I have never before been so desperate to be done with a year...not even during active cancer treatments/surgeries. Buh bye, July!

This Summer has been hot, humid, largely rainless, and just lacking any variety in weather. It's not been a great year for running or sleeping, even with A/C. The lack of sleep has taken its toll on my "runs". Or do I have bone marrow cancer...? I mean, ever since that sketchy blood work 7ish weeks ago, I have been paranoid at the possibility. Because every time I think 2020 can't get worse, it does.

Weight gain has certainly not helped. I'm just about at the "Covid 19" mark. I haven't wanted to cut calories, for risk of intaking inadequate nutrients. I'm pretty desperate to bring those neutrophils back up -- at any cost. Once I have bloodwork results, next week, it's time to get back on the weight loss wagon. 

This time I'm dragging my 19 year old son with me. He needs to unlearn some really unhealthy eating habits (SO many carbs, so much sitting). Kid's got a bad potbelly. His pediatrician was shocked at how his weight has skyrocketed in the past year. He goes to work and eats nothing but vending machine cuisine. He loves getting out for runs 2-3x/week, but that's not enough. He should be running/biking twice as often as he does. Hopefully duathlons will be back on, next Spring, so he can maybe train and race some with me. Last Spring he completed his first tri and didn't enjoy the first swim leg, but he likes the running and cycling parts.

How sad is it that the only thing I'm looking forward to is a new appliance being delivered in a week. Seriously. Technically 2. Our washer no longer runs the spin cycle between the wash and rinse, just drains. So we've had to start manually running a 2nd rinse/spin to get all the soap out. The dryer often does a mediocre job, too. Both the washer and dryer are super low-rent that we finagled for free out of our builder. 7.5 years later it's time to replace them. Our original fridge only made it about 5 years. Dishwasher is next to be replaced. F low-rent GE!

So we're getting a fancy LG set to be stacked in the upstairs laundry closet. This will give us more room in the closet for color-separated hampers. The current set are side-by-side with a top-load washer and it's pretty inconvenient.

What sold us over a cheaper set -- this washer has a special tech "sportswear" fabric cycle. I suspect we'll be using that for 3/4 of loads. Having more than 2 temperature settings will be nice, too (in the Summer our washer has 3, but in the Winter the warm setting is just as icy cold as the cold setting). And being able to wash king size comforters. And it has some allergen killing features, too, but it would probably help more if we vacuumed and dusted more often, heh.

Is this midlife crisis? I already drive a sporty VW GTI..which needs to have warranty service, as the hatch won't unlock (and it has a chronic rattle somewhere around the sunroof or headliner), so it's like a true sportscar with no cargo space, now!

Tonight the hubby and I are going to take our bikes to a little out-of-the-way ice cream stand while the kiddo is at work. This will be our first ice cream cones this Summer. Hopefully there are few other people. We'll still want to carry masks and hand sanitizer. 

Covid #s are creeping up in our region...partly due to delayed graduation parties, but also beach crowds and parties. I will be thankful when Summer is over and "schools" start back up, even though school will largely mean distance-learning in some capacity, at least for a few months. I'm really thankful that my only child is beyond school-aged. I grieve and stress for my friends with younger kids. And friends with kids whose college careers have been greatly disrupted, too.

Fxck Cancer!

Waiting Game

I think today's Monday. It's rare that I know what day it is without looking at my watch. Life is moving at snail's pace. I want Summer to be over. I desperately want to FF to the presidential election. 99 days. Fuck Trump. My Covid anxiety (anxiety, in general) would be greatly minimized if the person in the Oval Office weren't a completely incompetent asshole. He's turned us into Shithole Country #1.

My next port flush and bloodwork is in a week from tomorrow. I REALLY hope my neutrophils will have reversed course and landed back in "normal" range. If they continue downward, then I'm going to require unfun testing to find out why. Seriously, it feels like I only get a few months of feeling more at ease before Cancer throws me another curve ball. As if having Trump in office AND Covid weren't enough to have me gnawing my nails and binge-drinking (and I've really kind of avoided drinking, since it trashes my already poor sleep and can cause low neutrophils, so I want to eliminate that as a potential factor, as much as possible).

Froggos...so I've accumulated most of the stuff I need to culture live fruit fly food for little dart frogs. Now I'm mostly just waiting for Josh's Frogs to have my desired critters in stock. Though I wouldn't want to order until our temps settle-down a bit, anyhow -- yesterday hit 92 when I was out driving around. Hopefully they're available closer to Sept./Oct., when heat is less likely to be an issue.

A guy in the dart frogs group I lurk in on FB keeps posting pictures of his pretty 'Highland Bronze' Dendrobates Auratus frogs.

Setting up my vivarium has been a nice stress reducer. I'm already planning ahead to converting my 50g aquarium (36x18x18) to house 5-6 of another species. First my remaining 4 dwarf rainbow fish need to cross the Rainbow Bridge. They're all closing-in on the end of their average life expectancy, so maybe that will be a project that I can start in on in the next 6-12 months. I'll have to rehome the Endler guppies that keep a constant population, too (started from 2 pair of Endlers).

Fxck Cancer!

Here's a First

For the very first time in my life I'm wishing Summer would be over with. This is not normal. Nothing about the last 4-5 months has been normal, but wishing my favorite season away -- Michigan's shortest one and the one we live for during our endless Winters -- unheard of!

But Covid cases are rapidly rising thanks to tourism and people's common sense apparently taking a Summer holiday. The same sort of scenario is playing out in tourist communities all over the Upper Midwest. We're still doing FAR better than much of the South, but...the curve we flattened is no longer flat. Coronavirus does not take a vacation.

Twice my community has been in the news in the past week. First a local batter-fried hot dog vendor posted a long screed that he claims was meant for his personal page, but it was on his business page long enough for plenty of people to record screen shots of ugly, unhinged racism and general conservative BS and pro-gun nuttery. As a food service vendor he was encouraging his staff to not wear masks. Early in the Spring he opened just as the state went on lock-down...discouraging social distancing.

Looks about white...

Then last night a woman was told to don a mask when she entered a takeout pizza joint. She refused, flipped-off the staff, kicked another customer, then went out in the parking lot, kicked a car and ran over the foot of a LEO who had been summoned. The local anti-masker crowd has a poster child. These are the people faking a disorder to enter stores...or entering a store with a mask, then pulling it off once inside; including the store where my son works. Another store in his company had a guy pull a knife on a store employee who asked him to put his mask on properly.

2020 is still beating me up. A friend shared an excellent article about allostatic load with me that really resonated. I'm doing maybe half the running and cycling that I would normally be doing...and struggling. And walking a lot, because my legs just don't want to go and my muscles hurt. It reminds me too much of how I felt shortly before my original cancer diagnosis. But it seems like plenty of people with no sketchy health history are going through the same. I'm completely annoyed by those who are having the year of their fitness careers, though. How dare they!! 😝

I think I finally found a good pillow (yay for Target sales and 5% off with the Target debit card), so hopefully that helps. I didn't sleep enough, the last couple of nights, BUT I did get some appreciable DEEP sleep, which has been largely lacking, of late. I've not liked the foam pillows I've squished and we have a couple of that came with our bed...very hard, unyielding things. This Casper foam pillow has a firm foam center surrounded by smooshy, marshmallow-like softer foam. It's just right for this Goldilocks/Princess-and-the-Pea. My neck feels better today than it has in months. I'm able to sleep comfortably on my sides, which I haven't been able to do in a really long time.

Another pillow I tried was kind of similar, but WAY too thick -- like 7" in the center and forced my chin into my chest. But that one has proven to be amazing behind my back on the sofa, so it's a win.

Sleeping better will surely solve a ton of ills...I hope.

When I first started this blog I had just re-scaped a vivarium that will eventually house dart frogs. At the time it looked like this:

Now it's grown-in to look like this:

It still houses no frogs...entirely because of the Corona-craziness. And now it's been too hot to safely have frogs shipped. But I'm thinking maybe in a month or two that we'll not be hovering at or near 90º every day. I think I've narrowed my frog selection down to maybe 3 Dendrobates auratus 'Super Blue' or 'Highland Bronze'.

They live on fruit flies, which I'd culture and dust with calcium/vitamins before feeding, every day. And the tank already has plenty of tiny white drawf isopods (aka "pill bugs") and springtails for them to snack on. The vivarium won't require cleaning, since the isopods and teensy springtails serve as "clean-up crew."

Fxck Cancer!

I'm LITERALLY Tired of 2020!

Literally. I had plans to ride my bike 15-20 miles. Indoors, since DH went and gave himself a new injury (first he seriously sliced his right thumb. Then 2 days ago gave himself blood blisters on both heels from ill-fitting shoes).

Skechers...for realz!

But I don't want to ride indoors. And it's too hot/humid outside. And I don't like riding solo, anymore. And I jacked-up my left hip running too fast in brand new shoes. I felt good while running, but by the next AM I was limping. I rode an easy 13 miles in the basement, yesterday, but it's still tender.

I also didn't sleep for shit (and haven't 90% of the time since quarantine began). In part due to a new pillow that was incredible...for all of 1 night. It's really too flat and too soft. I'm a side sleeper and my 3-4 year pillow has become too soft. This new one is also too soft and flat, in spite of being marketed as a firmish side-sleeper pillow. Getting old blows. My neck and shoulders have been sore for months. Pillow issues, for sure, but Covid-anxiety is almost certainly a contributing factor. Thank Jeebuz for my bite splint, since I know I'm gnashing my teeth all night long, too. And I never sleep well after any alcohol, so the tasty pre-bed margarita made for 0 minutes of deep sleep. And it's been warm at night and our big beast cat thinks I'm playing every time I kick a foot out on top of the covers for climate control. And it's Monday (not that Monday has any significance in the 'rona world)....

Lately it feels like I have more days than not where I have to drag myself into starting a workout. I know a lot of people are struggling with lack of motivation and excessive exhaustion from *gestures around* all of this. I have a hard time not fearing that cancer's making a return engagement, especially in light of recent sketchy blood work.

Clifton 5

The rugrat got new shoes, too. He's only ever liked Sauconys, in his relatively short running career from 8th grade to age 19. But in my motherly running wisdom, I thought he might prefer some beefy Hoka One Ones over his HEAVY clod-hopper Sauconys designed for flat-footed supinators to wear with orthotics (both of his feet rotate out to the right. It's a sight to behold while running behind him. My PT friend is fascinated and puzzled by his biomechanics).

1 run in and he's over-the-moon enamored. So much so that he begged for a 2nd pair for work, so I found him a similar pair of Hokas in black and ordered them. He needed new work shoes, anyhow, and does a fair amount of standing.

I hope this means that he might run more and walk less. A 19 year old male should be able to easily outpace/outdistance his 11+ min/mile 47 year old minus-a-lung-lobe cancer-surviving mom.

Fxck Cancer!

I'm still standing!

Still NED!

That's not to say that my 6 month scan/labs didn't include some drama. There's always some drama. My new oncologist (who seems very cool and knowledgeable and friendly -- I think I'll keep her, unless that should change) is concerned by the trajectory of my ANC/neutrophils #s. They have been low in the past, but are on a slow descent, years after my last chemo. This ups my risk of contracting bacterial or fungal infections, which would be extra bad if I were to catch Covid and develop pneumonia. 

It's also possible that it could be a sign of secondary cancer as the result of chemo damage, like blood/marrow, though she reassured me that that would not be terribly likely when all of my other blood counts (other white cells, red cells) look good. Low ANC was problematic for me during chemo and required $$$ Neulasta injections for my last 6/8 FOLFOX chemo cycles.

So, in 7ish weeks I'll be back to the cancer center for my next infusion port flush. I'll have another blood draw to see where I am, then. Hopefully back up...or at least not down further. If levels continue to trend downward, then I may be looking at a bone marrow biopsy. Meh. I really want to avoid hospitals for a long damned time. Because of Covid, but also because I have had my fucking fill of them in the past 3.5 years.

Fxck Cancer!

Schrödinger's Cancer

I think my DH coined this phrase. It's what we've taken to calling the seemingly endless period of unknown between a CT scan and meeting with my oncologist to discuss results. While some people receive results the same day, my oncologist has split his time between 2 cancer centers and I've always had a 7-12 day wait to find out if I'm able to continue looking ahead to the 5 year "cured" goal or if I'm facing more surgeries and/or chemo. Am I still NED (no evidence of disease) or am I living with some degree of malignancy.

Yesterday I had a CT scan and have another 5 days to wait until my results. I would have had another 11 days, but my beloved oncologist, Dr. C, will no longer be dividing his time between 2 centers. So, I get faster results, but my new doc won't be literally the smartest person I know, any longer. I don't think she's a colorectal cancer specialist, either. I'll give her a chance, but I may choose to follow Dr. C. It wouldn't involve a massive hassle, since he'll be 45ish minutes away, rather than 25. And as long as I'm only doing scans every 6 months, that's no biggie. I could probably continue to have scans, blood work, and port flushes closer to home and just make the trip to Grand Rapids for in-person appointments. Were I still in active treatment, there is no question that I'd follow him. An MD friend of mine is also a patient of his and she thinks the world of him, too. She's very much encouraging me to stick with him. I still have 6 months to make up my mind....

I have seen my blood work. My CEA (tumor marker) is largely unchanged...but it was never even close to above normal, even when I had a massive tumor in my ass. What's frustrating is that my white blood cell count is still low. And this time even lower than 6 months ago. I'm >2 years out from chemo, so it should have rebounded. My ANC is also low, now. But I think I figured-out why.

I've been working on losing weight on-and-off since late last Fall. When I haven't actively been cutting calories, I've been eating too many carbs and not enough protein. When I've cut calories, I've focused on eating plenty of veggies, berries, and salads...but not so much protein. Especially as I avoid a lot of red meat and I'm so tired of chicken. Most days I'm probably getting half the protein I should be ingesting, from the look of my diet log (Lose It!). *light bulb moment* Insufficient protein can cause low white blood count, brain fog, sluggishness, poor/slow exercise recovery, dry skin, hair loss -- all things I have been struggling with.

So, I'm going to make a better point of paying attention to my protein intake, even if it means drinking more smoothies. Muscle Milk's cake batter flavor is pretty good. It's a good excuse to make more batches of chili, too. That's one of the few ways that I don't mind eating chicken, since the beans and sauce and tomatoes add so much flavor to otherwise bland meat. I could eat a lot of chicken salad, too, and an occasional pouch of flavored tuna.

Cutting back on alcohol would be helpful, too, though I'm not really indulging more than 1-2 nights/week, in large part because I end up exceeding my calorie goals fast with more than maybe 2 servings. Booze can cause low white cells and it ups my cancer recurrence risk.

Inspiration

Buuuut...martinis are so fun. We made our first traditional vodka martinis in the past week, as well as DH's first lemon drop. I cleaned-out a mostly junk cabinet to move all of our adult beverage glassware, shaker, bar accessories, and sad assortment of liquor bottles. Even with only a few bottles, it's hard to see what's available. So DH wants a woodworking project.

This is cheap RTA unit on Amazon, but would be really nice in something like real walnut or teak. He could source the glass doors through his work.

This is only 30" wide...we'd likely go closer to 36". Maybe attach the stemware holders to one side. Perhaps some sort of LED strips for interior illumination.

Our deck needs to be redone (the cheap wood was still oozing sap for probably 5+ years, so the stain didn't stick), but we have too many mosquitos to make that a priority. A classy midcentury modern piece of heirloom quality furniture seems like a far more satisfying project.

Fxck Cancer!

"Ugly Americans" On Display

Last evening Trump authorized tear gas canisters shot at peaceful protestors outside of the White House. All to clear a path so that he could have a brief photo op with a Bible prop in front of a church across the street (apparently Barr's idea). He also authorized military presence in every city of every state -- upon 0 requests for such action from any states. We've become the authoritarian nation that we've declared war upon countless times in my 47 years. White nationalists/"Boogaloos" are chomping at the bit for civil war.
Earlier today, Joe Biden spoke in response to the nation. The often whispered, gentle, measured, reassuring, and compassionate words that follow are such a stark contrast from what we've been subjected to over the past 3.5 years. Biden wasn't my first choice in the primary. He wasn't even my 3rd choice. But I will gladly vote for him on November 3. He will bring with him the sort of cabinet that Obama employed. And he is already acting presidential, nearly 8 months out from inauguration. We just need to get him there. The coming 5 months until election will be long and painful. Protests and riots nationwide (and worldwide) have overshadowed the still very terrifying reality of Covid-19. Trump is still doing everything in his power to position roadblocks between voters and their polls.

Fxck Cancer!

"Quarantinis" -- my newfound hobby

This won't be recipe blog format...I'm not going to write some screed requiring 20 minutes of reading, just to get to the desired concoction.

In light of governor-mandated (luv my guv -- Gretchen Whitmer!) homebody-ism (as opposed to our pre-covid homebody norm), everyone seems to be picking up hobbies and crafts. As a proper WI girl, my chosen hobby is to make an existing or create a new Martini-of-the-Week. They'll all be vodka-based, because gin is nasty. Sorry, not sorry. Plus they're cheaper than our recent $30/bottle wine fixation.

"True Blood" martini.
In the future I might try to take photos with better lighting...but probably not.

Last night's creation I'm dubbing True Blood...because we've been binging the Sookie Stackhouse vampire dramady series on HBO in recent weeks.

As we were drinking these, riots and looting were taking place by opportunistic assholes in Grand Rapids, after a peaceful protest against the killing of George Floyd by police in Minneapolis.

So...the beverage. It's kind of a variation on a cosmo, but using tart cherry juice.

Recipe makes 2.

True Blood Martini

6oz. vodka
juice of 1/2 lime
1 TB Luxardo™ maraschino cherry syrup
5oz tart cherry juice

Add vodka, lime juice, Luxardo syrup (spooned from a jar of Luxardo maraschino cherries), cherry juice and ice to shaker (ours has marks up to 12oz., hence the close estimate for added juice quantity), shake, and strain into glasses. Garnish with Luxardo cherries and lime wedges. Cheers!

Next week I think I'll take on the lemon drop. DH has never had one.

Fxck Cancer!

Unofficially Summer

Yesterday was Memorial Day -- the official unofficial kick-off of Summer...at least in the Great Lakes states this has always been the case. This year it also has evidently been the unofficial end of Covid-19, based-upon the actions of a disconcerting # of people. I fear a steep learning curve waits just around the corner.

In Michigan, as in much of the US, people loaded-up their vehicles and campers and headed to the usual tourist hot-spots. Northern MI and the Upper Peninsula (aka "the U.P.") were open for business, as their infection numbers have remained low. Yesterday traffic was backed-up as travelers hit the toll booths before crossing the Mackinac bridge to return to quarantine. 2 SYMPTOMATIC people from out-of-state also made their way up to Traverse City...and then were tested positive. One was hospitalized, one had to quarantine alone in a hotel room for 2 weeks. Stupid shits.

As nauseating as those photos of the bridge traffic were to see, places outside of MI were experiencing their own shitshows. Mobs of mask-less people people flocked to crowded destinations without elbow-room. As easily as the 'rona spreads on cruise ships, in 2-3 weeks we can almost certainly expect outbreaks all over the place.

click for full-size graphic

It's only a matter of time before I give up and completely unfriend a few remaining conspiracy theorists on FB, as well. The one who was homeschooled and completed only 2 years of CC doesn't surprise me -- she's the same one who shared a BS video when I was on chemo (the video was some garbage doctor claiming that something like 96% of people who undergo chemo die. 100% of people who undergo life die. I'm not sure what this clown was trying to prove. Nothing about that claim was factual. Not undergoing chemo/immunotherapy for advanced cancer is pretty much a 100% death sentence in a relatively short time). Surprise, she is also an anti-vaxxer!

The ones who really get my dander up are the RN who believes anything Trump spouts (including debunked claims of dangerous meds miraculously curing infected patients) and the public school teacher who latches onto conspiracy theories and will not let go, not even when her sibling and other educated people spell-out why those making the claims are not to be trusted (people with direct connection to Trump who are clearly working to undermine epidemiologists and avert attention from Trump's shit handling of the situation since day 1) and/or share links to peer-reviewed studies that present reality.

2 days ago should have been my first duathlon of 2020. In spite of having gained at least 10# in the past couple of months, my runs have slowly been getting faster. I'm back into the 11 minute average pace range, which doesn't sound fast (and would probably be nearing 10 minute range, without the weight gain), but I've been stuck in the 12 minute range (or slower) since I was first undergoing chemo 3 years ago. My outdoor gravel rides have been strong. I feel like I could have had a really good race. It's surreal that I'm still trying to outsmart Death, only now...Death isn't in the form of rogue cells in my body, but danger from others that I can't control. In some ways Cancer was easier.

Speaking of that Devil, I'm only 2 weeks away from my next port-flush and bloodwork, then 3 days later I have my next CT scan. The events of this past holiday weekend and locals clearly becoming rapidly less careful to prevent Covid-19 spread have me pretty nervous about going out amongst others. The last time I was out in public was for a port-flush. That was mid-April. It's a good thing I don't really miss most public interactions. Nor do my spouse or kid (the kid sees plenty of people in his essential job, though he does miss his GF and we miss her parents, too). Mostly we miss going to the movies. If I had to pick one public activity that could be resumed without risk of picking-up that virus, enjoying a big-screen movie or two every month would be it.

Fxck Cancer!

Death is Not the Only Damage

Something I'm noticing in too many discussions of Covid and the relatively high rate of survival in healthy people under retirement age...is that these conversations are missing the entire picture. Sure, many of us who contract this virus will survive, but many of us will not survive unscathed. Some people have never personally tangled with Cancer, and it shows. Survival doesn't come without a cost. The same holds true with this devil.

Even relatively asymptomatic Covid-19 survivors are being found to have damage to a variety of organs...lungs, heart, liver, kidney, neurological, intestinal.... As someone who has survived a fatal disease, but not without permanent internal organ damage/loss, I just really want to slap people who minimize the seriousness of living out the rest of their days without all of their critical organs intact and fully functional. A friend-of-a-friend developed blood clots and scary high blood-pressure. Otherwise healthy people in their 30s and 40s have suffered strokes.

Courtesy of Cancer I'm already missing some of these body parts that Covid can damage. You're a big fucking dumbass if you think this is NBD. Think about several more decades with even minor damage to any one of these necessary organs...or damage to a combo. Trust me, you don't want to go there.

#s are steadily rising in my county and the county to our immediate north...as well as the greater Grand Rapids area to our east. Shit's bound to get ugly before the end of the month. The dipshits congregating in packs who forced our state park to close, yesterday (in addition to the long lines of people shunning social distancing in favor of batter-fried hot dogs), may finally get the wake-up call they so crucially need. Unfortunately, they are bound to throw under the bus a bunch of us who have been diligent in our adherence to safety protocols. American exceptionalism is so ugly.

Fxck Cancer!

The Covid 19 (not to be confused with Covid-19)

In the same vein as the long accepted college Freshman 15, it's already becoming an accepted theory that many of us will find ourselves putting-on the Covid 19. It's probably not a good thing that I'm already halfway to this chonky milestone. It's especially bad, considering the fact that in the first week or two of shelter-at-home I was so petrified that I was mildly queasy and lacking appetite...so I lost 2-3# before gaining 9ish over my baseline. Jeez.

Can I blame Target? I ordered some toiletries and needed to add $5 to qualify for free shipping...so I threw in a 2# bag of Jelly Belly™ beans. That sort of set me off on a carb binge. Stuff I was somehow able to avoid from brick-and-mortar stores became suddenly so tempting when delivered to my front door. Plus all the delicious breads DH has been making...and wine. And difficulty procuring fresh produce when we're only hitting the store every 7-10 days. All on top of cutting back on my mileage to not overly tax my immune system.

I really don't want to log all of my calories, as "dieting" would add another source of anxiety to an already stressful existence, but it may come down to that to slow my rolls.

At the very least, I need to do a better job pacing myself for the next year or two of this viral "marathon".

Fxck Cancer!

Every day a new nightmare!

My craving for knowledge has a definite downside in the time of Covid-19. Literally EVERY day there is a newly uncovered Coronavirus horror. Yesterday it was a story re: the discovery that some people in their 30s-40s -- without pre-existing issues -- are suffering (and frequently dying) from blood clots and strokes. A friend-of-a-friend without history of high blood pressure or clotting issues just recently was diagnosed with both, shortly after receiving a + test for Covid-19.

Other asymptomatic people are developing rashes, particularly on hands and feet. To think...we all initially were under the impression that lung issues were the worst symptom associated with this virus. The reality is that people have been diagnosed with damage to heart, liver, kidneys, intestines/colon, and brain. Even those who have had "mild" symptoms.

Yesterday I ran a "virtual race"...my first 3 mile race (vs. the standard 5k distance). I didn't race it so much as spend the time thinking about my online running friends who are also participating in their own socially-distanced distance runs of varying lengths. I probably won't be participating in very many of these sorts of events. There are a lot of fee-based virtual races that send participants a shirt and medal, but I don't really "get" the concept of a race that doesn't have a start/finish line, timing, and the social component of the event. Some of these events have people run a specified distance, then record their time...which assumes that everyone is honest (nevermind the fact that no 2 people are running exactly the same route at the same time and under identical conditions). Anyone using Zwift for more than a ride or two knows exactly how that plays out.

I'm halfway through the 45-49 age group and have managed only 3 races. I was really looking forward to a year full of duathlons on my brand new tri bike. Now I'm just hoping that races might return before I move up to the 50-54 age division. Even if they were to be held in 2021, until there's a widely available vaccine and/or successful drug treatments, I won't be participating.

For now I'm downgrading my mileage goals for the year (run: 700 --> 550mi, bike: 3300 -- > 2500mi). My goals are no longer competition-focused, but with the intent to maintain moderate fitness, keep my immune system from becoming overtaxed, and to avoid injury.

Fxck Cancer!

Every Day's a Blur

And every day I go to bed with the relief that we're one day closer to a vaccine and a [hopeful] end to this pandemic nightmare. And every day I wake up with a moment of innocence...before reality enters and takes a shit on my reverie.

I'm finding a sort of pattern to my days. Good days alternating with bad. Good hours alternating with bad. My runs are good if I choose routes that would otherwise be unsettling. No more runs on scenic public paths or gravel roads with minimal vehicular traffic. These are now the domain of noob runners and pedestrians that seem ignorant of social distancing guidelines, much less which side of  the road they should be on (the left...facing traffic, FYI). Suddenly playing chicken with cars while sticking to gravel shoulders is my best bet for avoiding humanity.

It's a shame, as the path that runs right by our subdivision is <1 year old and we eagerly awaited its installation for years. It was supposed to be a safe place to run, separated from car traffic. Frustrating irony.

In the past week I've unfriended and snoozed more people on FB than in the previous decade+ that I've used that social media platform. I have utterly 0 patience for shit-for-brains who criticize our governor's protective responses to the virus. MI currently sits at #3 for cases. Most positive tests, hospitalizations, and deaths have taken places on the other side of the state, so a disturbingly large percentage of residents on this side of the state don't think we should be held to the same standards as the Detroit area. There's a clear lack of Scientific comprehension amongst local Trump-supporters. I wouldn't give a fuck what these imbeciles did, were they only endangering themselves and their families/friends. But that's not how this virus works.

My son is an "essential" retail employee. Which means he gets paid shit and is expendable. But he loves his job and he really is needed. And with Autism, it is extra important that he has some socialization while most of us are sheltering at home. I just hope we won't regret him working, now. Every night when he returns home we have him strip down to his underwear in the garage, toss his work clothes in a storage tub, dump the clothes in the washing machine, and immediately shower.

Tomorrow I have a scheduled infusion port flush. I've had anxiety over this for a month. I'll be glad to have it behind me, as my next one isn't for another 7ish weeks, along with blood work leading up to my next CT scan. I only fear that things could be so much worse, then. By then I expect some businesses will be back to business-as-usual and we will have our 2nd round of infections. This area isn't likely to avoid mass virus outbreak for long if beaches and factories are fully open.

After my port flush I'm hoping to find some TP (and Lysol, paper towel, hand sanitizer, etc.) at a nearby Target. That seems like a safer option than heading to Meijer, as Target only carries limited groceries. People have been hoarding these necessities in such ridiculous quantities that we've been unable to find any of the above in close to a month. So thankful for my bidet!!

I'd be crazy not to fill my half empty (half full?) gas tank before returning home, too. Gas has fallen to <$1/gallon, since no one is driving. It's done wonders for air quality, so that's a plus, too. As soon as I return home I'll be doing the garage-strip-down-followed-by-shower routine.

Fxck Cancer!

Posted to FB...

Stuff I pondered on today's run:
• 3 years ago I was mid-chemo
• 2 years ago I was recovering from ileostomy reversal
• 1 year ago I was preparing to lose a lung lobe
• 1 month ago I was training for my first full race season back from 3 years of Hell, on a brand new bike to celebrate tenuous survival

Now I'm preparing for year 4 of putting my life on hold and isolation. Chemo forced me to isolate. Ileostomy reversal forced me to isolate due to (fortunately temporary) severe low anterior resection syndrome (google that. It involved me wearing a diaper at 45). A year ago I struggled to attend my son's HS graduation, since I could barely breathe.

Folks, if you are healthy, still employed, and still have insurance...isolation for a couple of months and to a lesser degree until a vaccination is out in <1 year is really doable. You're reading this on social media. You have streaming entertainment and video-chat. Go spend some time on Cancer Twitter to comprehend what social distancing is like for those of us who have been practicing it for years. Those of us who have been enduring this long-term did so without the rest of the world having any firsthand empathy. We've watched our peers out enjoying the life we weren't able to. I've spent so many days of the past 3 years in tears as I looked at photos and/or read reports of favorite races that I was missing...year after year. This year I registered for races that will be cancelled and I'll be out money, but at least I'm not alone in my misery.

Fxck Cancer!

2 Weeks of Quarantine

The last time I was out in public was 3/13. I saw my PCP to make sure that I had a script for albuterol and to get a referral for a Dexa (bone density) scan. Now the Dexa scan is postponed for an indeterminate time, along with my yearly mammo. I'm officially done with allergy shots after 6 years, too. I had been on maintenance for 5 years, so I still received the bulk of benefit, fortunately.

I have a port flush scheduled in 2.5 weeks. I'm pretty terrified about that. A friend on Twitter posted something suggesting that a person could safely stretch a port flush out to every 12 weeks, instead of every 6-8. So I may see if I can at least go to 10, which would buy me a month. Will things be more resolved in 6ish weeks...? I don't know. We're nowhere near peak, here. On the other side of the state (Detroit area), things are rapidly becoming desperate.

People in my community are still behaving like idiots. White, suburbanite Jesus freaks who clearly believe that bad things only happen to poor minorities and/or city-dwellers. Some folks are in for a very rude awakening. Neighbors are still congregating elbow-to-elbow. Kids are still playing roller hockey, basketball, and climbing-around on playgrounds. Parents defend these activities by imploring that "kids still need to be kids." No, motherfuckers...kids still need to not be disease vectors for everyone else. And there are kids being diagnosed and dying or suffering permanent lung damage, as well.

Lots of chatter about people still shopping for non-essentials where my son works. Fuuuuckkk...you morons don't need to be buying mulch and landscaping, now. These were not essential activities pre-COVID-19.

I'm no longer doing my solo runs on paved paths. They're too busy -- both in terms of walkers/runners/cyclists and cars on the adjacent road (my car has not left our garage since that previously mentioned doctor's visit). Last night I opted for a nearby gravel road. And it was MUCH more enjoyable. I felt like I had literal breathing room. Plus I was able to enjoy a truly surreal and comical moment. I heard Flock of Seagulls' "I Ran" coming out of the woods. I thought I was in the middle of some bizzaro dream-sequence and found myself nervously giggling. As I rounded a corner I spotted a guy on his ATV with a boombox heading down his long driveway.


I'm still finding plenty to occupy me...workouts, reading, endless streaming content (Tiger King...OMG!!), pet care, going to bed earlier and getting better sleep.... So far, I think Cymbalta is really helping with my sleep and I'm mostly not feeling like I'm climbing the walls and holding my breath. I hope that continues. I now suspect that I would have benefitted from this as soon as I was diagnosed with Cancer, too.

Fxck Cancer!

My watch says it's Sunday

I woke up this AM and briefly thought it was Monday...and wondered why my DH was downstairs watching his stories, rather than in his home office. Every moment of every day for about the past 9 days has been completely FUBARd.

Like everyone else around me, I vacillate between being utterly petrified and unable to do more than stare without focusing at nothing...unable to breathe and feeling like my heart would explode. This is broken-up by brief moments of feeling like everything will be OK. But I have NO reasons to believe that everything will be OK. 6 people in my county have now been confirmed +. I have to believe that the real # is at least 10x greater...and that is almost certainly an extreme low-ball estimate.

My son works in a retail environment. He doesn't have a lot of direct contact with customers and tends to work quieter hours...but it's a grocery/dept. store (competitor to Wal-Mart). His job is important. He'll be receiving at least a week or two of $2/hourly bonus. It's not enough for the risk he faces. Finally truckers and retailers and food service and nurses and teachers are getting the appreciation they always should have received. In the future when there is discussion of people not deserving a livable minimum wage, I hope people will drill home how critical these folks were to everyone's survival during this dark period.

I got in a run under overcast skies, today. Time spent outdoors is more necessary to my entire health than ever before. I had planned for 5, but the cold and smokey air (WTF, It really shouldn't have to be said while in the midst of a pandemic that DESTROYS people's lungs...but don't burn fucking leaves!) and the feeling like my immune system would benefit from less-is-more led me to cutting a mile from the planned distance.

After 3 doses of Cymbalta, I am finding that the undesirable side effects are lessening. The first couple of AMs I had some wooziness and eyesight focus issues for the first couple of hours. By 3pm I felt pretty normal. Today I really felt mostly normal right from the get-go. Sleep has been pretty typical for the past 2 nights, too. Never enough, but I'm getting deep sleep, so that's a good sign.

Also, it seems to be helping my hot flashes (which have never really been too awful, fortunately), which is welcome, since my oncologist has nixed HRT. Perhaps it's placebo effect, but I feel like I'm able to take deep breaths for the first time since before I lost my lung lobe, too. I have to wonder how much of my reduced lung function was legitimate panic attacks, rather than functional/volume reductions from the lung loss.


Fxck Cancer!

The Hits Just Keep Comin'!

aka: Cymbalta, Day 1

I took my first 60mg, 1/day capsule, last night. Oh, man, I knew to expect some onboarding side-effects, but I feel SO gross! Apparently for the first week or two it's not at all unexpected to experience dizzy/wooziness, insomnia, nausea, and diarrhea. YES, I have all of the above! I really hope this shit works, because I'd hate to have to wean-off in a month or two, only to go through similar with a different med.

I'm still planning on pedaling a few miles in Watopia, but it may be really slow and I am not sure I'll make it much more than maybe 45 min.

And I'm still waking and having a brief moment of forgetting reality. It feels like the predictions for how this might play out and how long we'll all be in quarantine are expanded with every passing day. Can I avoid catching this for that long? If I were to catch it, would I survive...? Could we have a vaccine and/or treatments before the worst might hit my family...?

Fxck Cancer!

I'm not sure what day it is...

...But it's the first day of Spring.

14 years ago I started Couch-to-5k on the 1st day of Spring. I had 0 intentions of doing more than a bucket-list 5k race, then getting bored and going back to my sloth-like ways.

Well, it didn't actually play-out that way. 14 years later and I'm still an endurance junkie in running shoes and on bikes, though my distances and speed have both taken a major hit subsequent to cancer.

My regular cardio workouts have certainly given me a leg-up with cancer survival and mental health.  I really never felt that I needed more than an occasional Ativan to turn off the parts of my brain that were spinning-out when I was first diagnosed and surrounding routine scans (aka "scanxiety"). But it turns out my aerobic activities aren't adequately quieting the Fear Beast of COVID-19. I'm actually feeling so frozen into place that I'm struggling to get myself to throw on my workout clothes, lace up my shoes, and go. When I do drag myself out the door or down to the basement to my Zwift set-up, I find myself struggling not to cry. And failing at that, 50% of the time. Today I called my PCP/PA re: anti-anxiety/depression meds for long-term use. He is starting me on Cymbalta.

I'm hoping this won't be a permanent thing. These meds don't come without their own set of risks and side-effects. I hope the world goes back to a place where we can leave our homes and not risk our lives, simply by breathing the air, shaking hands, or hugging friends. I desperately need so many hugs, right now. I need to be with close friends and sharing a meal and laughs. I desperately need to take in a distracting movie. Insult added to injury is that Wonder Woman 1984 is likely to not release, this year. We were able to take in the first WW film very early into my cancer journey. Now I don't have my favorite super-heroine to save me, even if for only 120 minutes.

Fxck Cancer!

I can't even come up with a good title

COVID-19. Pretty sure this is a synonym for Hell. Here were are, trapped in our homes (assuming we're not the assholes shirking recommendations to remain sequestered from others). Yesterday I went out for what I was hoping would be a soothing 5 mile run in the sunshine. Instead I returned irritated by the sheer # of people suddenly taking to the outdoors. I know I shouldn't gripe about the ones who were being responsible and simply enjoying walking/running/cycling solo, in pairs, or as families. But I ran through a nearby park and a group of about 20 teenage boys playing football left me so enraged and sad and scared.

In the pre-Coronavirus world, the same sight would have left me thrilled. Kids setting down the phones, tablets, and game controllers to be active and social. But, for now, it's entirely irresponsible. Nearly as irresponsible as the people packing bars and restaurants. As a result, in <1 hour our governor (MI) has declared these establishments all close to general business. Only take-out and delivery will be permitted. I'm so thankful for her relatively speedy response to the pandemic.

The horrors of the past 3 years under Trump have only been amplified. It feels like a new piece of evidence of his selfish mismanagement is coming to light every day. His sycophants are unswayed. It's clear that nothing will change on this front. I'm not even certain that losing friends and family members would smack any sense into these people if nothing else in the past 3 years has. So many still believe this is a hoax and are behaving irresponsibly to "own the libs."

I minored in Sociology. Never before has the concept of "American exceptionalism" been so starkly demonstrated. A shocking number of comments I've read in the past 3 days state that we're somehow different from the rest of the world. As if our immune systems are superior to the immune systems of members of our species in other industrialized nations. Fuck, our healthcare is inferior to every one of our peers. Wake up, assholes!

I am pretty much constantly numb with terror. In many ways this is far worse than the early days of my Cancer diagnosis. At least then I felt reasonably confident in my oncologist's reassurances that he could "cure" me. Now there is no one able to offer similar soothing words. We're all flying blind. I have so many risk factors. Just 1 would be unnerving, for certain. But asthma on top of a missing lung lobe on top of damage to my immune system from chemo that ended >2 years ago... The only things in my favor are age (47) and aerobic fitness. Reading the medical accounts of what this virus can do to even healthy lungs leaves me quite literally breathless.

Selfishly I mourn the fact that my entire 2020 race season will likely be cancelled. This was to be my first full race season since my cancer diagnosis 3 years ago. My beautiful new tri bike may not see the light of day, this year...or at least not in competition. 2/3 races I've paid for will likely not offer refunds. 1 will only be refunded because I paid for available race insurance. I wish all races offered insurance coverage. DH and I joined Fxck Cancer Endurance Club (link below) to raise money for cancer screenings and support. Our kits may go unworn, but we'll still raise money. This viral menace makes that all the more necessary.

We'll almost certainly be cancelling a family trip in May. Until life is more certain and DH is able to return to work, my vivarium will remain frogless (nervous energy will have some killer-looking plants and isopoda, though!). If even one of us were to land in the hospital, then daily feedings wouldn't likely be possible.

My upcoming mammogram and dental cleaning will be postponed. After 5 years of allergy shots, I will be discontinuing my monthly maintenance injections. The risk inherent in keeping these appointments outweighs any benefits.

I remain cautiously hopeful that life will go on, but I don't think it's going to be in 2 weeks. Probably not even in 2 months. My son's community college (as well as every other college/university in the state) cancelled classes through early April. It's almost certain they won't be returning to classes this school year. Public schools have followed suit. College and HS seniors are faced with not being able to graduate after years of hard work.

It's no hyperbole to say that I feel like I've aged a decade in 3 years time.

Fxck Cancer!

Leap Day

It seems fairly appropriate that I've spent the last week overhauling my 29g bioactive terrarium that will eventually house 3 dart frogs. I got a bug up my butt to rescape it, and am SO glad I did. It seemed to make the most sense to move it into the room where my 50g aquarium sits (which will eventually be converted into a 36"x18"x18" terrarium...maybe in another year, when my last 4 dwarf neon rainbow fish have likely reached the end of their 3-5 year life expectancy. Mine are ~4, now. I'll rehome my Siamese algae eater -- 10 year life expectancy -- and the eternally renewing stock of Endler guppies), prior to the remodel. Now I can see both tanks from my desk area. It's nice to keep all of the critter maintenance stuff in one space, too.

I removed the scraggliest bits of Wandering Jew vine and added a new little Austral fern and Jewel Orchid. Those should provide some nice frog cover, once critters are added sometime around late May/early June.

Jewel Orchid + Zebra Isopod photo-bomber (part of my "clean-up" crew)

I failed to take many "before" shots, but above are some currents. I still need to add some moss seed and give that a few months to become established, toss into the trash a patch of sheet moss that failed to thrive, and clean the glass inside and out. Part of relocating the tank included rotating it 180º. It had been a paludarium (terrarium/aquarium hybrid that housed some red devil crabs) for a short time. Our tap water splattered on the front of the glass from a little waterfall feature and left some super stubborn limescale deposits that wouldn't scrape off. Hours with a terrarium-safe mineral-removing gel wouldn't touch it, either. This will no longer be an issue, as the terrarium's future amphibian inhabitants require distilled or reverse-osmosis water.

Hot-Mess "Before"

I enjoyed a lovely run in the sunshine, though it was far colder than it looked. That will change overnight. I am SO ready for 40s! Time to start pulling out some lighter/shorter tights and thinner tops. Soon the gloves and heavier hats can be stashed-away. I am READY! I'm actually starting to get burned-out on Zwift rides, too. I really want to get out on my new tri bike. I'm curious to see how it handles on the roads. My previous tri bike was never properly fit to me and didn't inspire confidence in handling. I only raced once on that bike and was already feeling the effects of the yet undiagnosed cancer. Now I'm all kind of slow (at least on-foot) from all of the surgeries and treatments. I hope there's still a ton of room for improvement. <3 months before I start setting some new post-cancer PRs with my new ride.

Fxck Cancer!