14 years ago I started Couch-to-5k on the 1st day of Spring. I had 0 intentions of doing more than a bucket-list 5k race, then getting bored and going back to my sloth-like ways.
Well, it didn't actually play-out that way. 14 years later and I'm still an endurance junkie in running shoes and on bikes, though my distances and speed have both taken a major hit subsequent to cancer.
My regular cardio workouts have certainly given me a leg-up with cancer survival and mental health. I really never felt that I needed more than an occasional Ativan to turn off the parts of my brain that were spinning-out when I was first diagnosed and surrounding routine scans (aka "scanxiety"). But it turns out my aerobic activities aren't adequately quieting the Fear Beast of COVID-19. I'm actually feeling so frozen into place that I'm struggling to get myself to throw on my workout clothes, lace up my shoes, and go. When I do drag myself out the door or down to the basement to my Zwift set-up, I find myself struggling not to cry. And failing at that, 50% of the time. Today I called my PCP/PA re: anti-anxiety/depression meds for long-term use. He is starting me on Cymbalta.
I'm hoping this won't be a permanent thing. These meds don't come without their own set of risks and side-effects. I hope the world goes back to a place where we can leave our homes and not risk our lives, simply by breathing the air, shaking hands, or hugging friends. I desperately need so many hugs, right now. I need to be with close friends and sharing a meal and laughs. I desperately need to take in a distracting movie. Insult added to injury is that Wonder Woman 1984 is likely to not release, this year. We were able to take in the first WW film very early into my cancer journey. Now I don't have my favorite super-heroine to save me, even if for only 120 minutes.
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